Friday, July 29, 2011


Happy Friday to one and all!  Here's what fills my heart up this week:
  • I'm finally taking a flying leap into technology and getting DVR so I can become even more of a pathetic mess and spend even more time watching tv!!  So excited
  • Speaking of which, has anyone else heard that Nickelodeon is now airing classic 90s shows (All That, Kenan and Kel, Doug, etc) really late at night?  I can't lie, this kinda gave me the push I needed to get the DVR.  Shame.
  • Rumor has it, my raise is FINALLY coming through next paycheck (on the 15th).  Hurry it up, CHG!
  • Of course, my kitten babies!  Check out this pic of Carl (ignore my hotmess hungover self, this was taken the morning after the pirate cruise) ... so cute!!!
Have a lovely weekend, ya'll!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Pirate Cruise, 2011

My pirate friends
Well friends, I survived Pirate Cruise 2011 (if you haven't read it yet, check the 2010 version) and it was a hilarious, sweaty good time.

We celebrated a friend's 30th birthday on the pirate cruise, which wasn't as fun as it was last year because it was just so unbelievably hot.  We were all sweltering; I honestly don't think I have ever sweat so much in my life.  Even though I threw our wine in the freezer for a full day, the drinks were warm after a few minutes of drinking, which didn't really make them terribly appetizing. 

Parts of the pirate cruise were super fun, and we definitely would have had a better time had it not been like 114* out.  It was basically the same format as last year: lots of singing/dancing, games, and general pirate merriment.  It was just too daggon hot to enjoy most of these items, and we weren't nearly as drunk as we were last year.  Note to anyone considering the pirate cruise:  drunk + comfortable temperature = wayyyy better time.  But I digress!

A few drinks in ...
Thankfully the cruise was only for about 2 hours, so we went to the nearest bar to cool down and actually start the party.  Unfortunately, we were all disgusting from being sweaty messes on the cruise, but that didn't seem to matter after my second Firefly and club.  The bar we went to is actually a bar/restaurant combo, and likely not intended for a bunch of crazies fresh off a pirate cruise.  The perfect atmosphere for our group.
My two loves ... Firefly and a sword

I feel like every time I go out now (ya know, like 3 times a year ...), I need a prop.  The props that we had for this outing included pirate masks (like the ones we had last year), eye patches, stickers, and (my favorite) ... a blowup sword.  Props make everything so much more fun! 

If you want to point to something ... use your prop.  If you need to emphasize a point ... wave your prop in the air.  If you want some personal space ... use your prop to push people away.  Props make my life so amazing.  A few key moments that made my prop so amazing:
  • A man was dancing with my buddy, Mrs. Lauren C and she was giving me the 'help!!' face, so I ran over, took my sword out, slashed the space between them (whacking him in the face in the process), screamed "SHE'S MARRIED!!!" and pointed to her ring with the tip of my sword
  • Mizz J's drunk self spilled about half her drink, a straw, and a lime on the floor.  To notify her of the spill, I poked her and pointed to the ground ... both with my sword.
  • A bachelorette party had a blowup doll (perhaps my next prop) ... "he" wanted to dance with me, so I 'cut' off his manparts with my sword
  • Tapping a young man playing beer pong on the shoulder with the tip of my sword so I could move past him, saying "Excuseeee me young fella, but I have to put this sword to good use"
When asked how much I loved the sword, I would cradle it like a baby and lovingly glance at it before screaming "I love my sword so much!!!!"

Imagine the situation just for a moment ... a bunch of wasted girls dancing in a bar, wearing pirate masks, and cradling swords like babies.  And this, ladies and gents, is why I shouldn't be out in public.  Especially after a few cocktails.

A few more key moments to the evening:
    Mizz J judging me for my dancing
    When my friends noticed that the bouncer was talking to me, they all started instantly asking for his number, if he was single, and why he wasn't asking for my digits.  After being told that it wasn't professional for him to give out his #, I told my friends that he had the hair of the Devil and that I had to leave.  We think he was a Ginger, but I can't recall.  My theory is that any man who is talking to a girl with a pirate mask on her head and a pirate eye patch over it, is swinging a plastic sword around and dancing like (as Mizz J would describe) "a frog trying to put on pants without hands," and is covered in pirate stickers ... is likely not a man I would respect.
  • Mizz J and I screaming at Mr. C to drive us to Wackdonalds for some food.  After going to said Wackdonalds and finding out that they didn't have the items that Mizz J desired (a double cheeseburger with no ketchup or pickles, a Poweraid, and a 4-piece nugget), she started screaming that "in Verrrgeeenyaaaa, they have it!" and demanding that I explain to her why we don't have all of the items she needed.  She settled for a #2.  But not happily.
  • Tapping on people's heads with the sword inquiring if they love the Ravens as much as I do as we walked to the car.  When being told by my friends that it probably wasn't safe to do this, I declared that we were in the safe part of the city, but that I would love to go to Baltimore Street (the unsafe part of the city) to see some strippers
All in all, it was a fantastic evening.  I love pirate cruises, props, and hanging out with my bestest pirate friends.  I really missed my buddy Lizzy G, but as she is out of the country, the show had to go on without her.  Don't worry, Lizzy G, there's always 2012!

And, as is the trend with my pirate blog posts, I will end with the hot mess picture of the event:

Friday, July 22, 2011


Happy Friday, kittens!

In the light of some pretty Negative Nancy posts, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and start with what fills my heart up this week:
  • I stayed up late enough to watch Wilfred last night, and while it is a super weird show, I really love it
  • My very bestest friend from college, Mizz J is coming to town on Saturday for ...
  • PIRATE CRUISE!!!!  If you haven't read my post about the first time I went on the pirate cruise, This is the Best Day of My Life! Part 1, check it out.  Or wait til next week when I can update you on my 2011 Pirate Cruise experience
  • Due to the pirate cruise, I'm not working at the bar on Saturday, hooray!
  • Nordstrom was having a big sale this week and I purchased the NorthFace coat that I've been dying for, about $50 off.  Yes, we have a heat index of 117* this week and I'm buying a winter coat.  What of it?
  • Carlton and Mustacho, duh.
Shout out to one of my favorite sorority sisters, The Fugitive, who just told me that she found my blog and likes it.  Even though she is petrified of cats, rats, and aliens, she has managed to get through it and finds some humor in this messed up world I call my life.  Fugitive, I love you.

And now for your listening pleasure, in honor of this disgusting heat ...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Cycle

I've been pretty horrible with updating my blog posts, for which I apologize profusely.  I've been in a bit of a "boy funk" as I call it, and have just kinda been in a blah mood in general.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still having hilariously random life moments (such as explaining to a coworker that I couldn't stop staring at two huge bugs "attaching" to one other and said coworker thinking that I am into bug "relations"; going nudie swimming with some of my best friends and getting caught; jamming out to amazing 80's tunes with some of my favorites at the bar ... the list goes on and my life is still hilarious, so don't fret too much).

I have a cycle that I think a lot of single girls have entered with their (not so) significant others at some point or another.  Cycle goes as follows:

Step 1: Single girl is bored.  Single girl racks her single brain for a single fella to chat with (or otherwise).
Step 2: Single girl runs out of options, so single girl contacts the one or two toxic men in her life that have wronged her, but time has passed and she's forgotten about it.
Step 3: Single girl hangs out with a (not so) significant other.  Single girl and boy hit it off, have a great time, laugh at jokes, enjoy each other's company.
Step 4: Single girl starts daydreaming about how lovely this situation is.  Is he the one?  When should I introduce him to my friends?  Will they hate him after all the crappy things I've said about him the LAST time we tried this out?
Step 5: Boy starts doing a few of the things that single girl vaguely remembers were annoying/mean/creepy/childish/unnecessary
Step 6: Boy starts playing the distant game, which we allllll know just makes single girl want him more.  A sick a disgusting twist of fate, the result of boy playing distant game, girl wanting him more makes the guy want her less ... how odd.
Step 7: Single girl drinks a lot of wine, eats a lot of food, gains a lot of weight, and complains to her girlfriends about why (totally never will ever be significant again) significant other is being a jerk
Step 8: Just when single girl is finally done with boy, boy contacts her again, and thus ... is the cycle of single girl.

I've decided that all attached women should start a fund for the pathetic bunch of us who are single.  Checks may be made out to Cat Lady.  The money will help feed my cats.  Because they will be the only men in my life who won't annoy me or be jerks.  Sigh.  Pity party for one, please!

Saturday, July 16, 2011


I am addicted.  Perhaps my addiction is a bit more tame than that of a heroine addict, a crackhead, or an alcoholic.  However, I can appreciate the jonesing that my fellow addicts go through in wanting their drug of choice.

I need a soda, STAT!!

For the past 4 days I have been suffering with no soda in the house.  My friends, family, and coworkers all likely have been suffering right along with me, as my addition has affected those I love (and tolerate) in the following ways:
  • I'm cranky.  And mean.  And just plain irritable and unable to handle any form of annoyance
  • I'm exhausted. Naps have been my savior, but I wake up even more irritable
  • My incessant yawning is causing others to yawn and is causing people to constantly tell me to "wake up!!"
Yes, there is a simple solution: go to the store and get some damn soda.  However, my lack of caffeine has caused me to be too tired to get my butt to the store to get my drug of choice.  I set aside some soda from the bar last night to bring home but completely forgot, so here I am again without soda and without energy.  Darn you, soda!!!

Until next time ... hopefully I'll be more cheerful!

Monday, July 11, 2011

My Mom, the Groupie

Ok, so I haven't exactly verified this information yet, but I must inform my readers about a fun factoid that I learned this weekend.  This information both mystified and cracked me up, as well as mortified and terrified my brother.  A combination I quite enjoy.

My mother's cousin came into the bar on Saturday to introduce himself.  I don't remember meeting this fella, but apparently I knew him when I was a kid.  We were catching up on family and whatnot, when he mentioned quite possibly my favorite thing to ever learn about my mother: she dated and almost married one of the Rolling Stones.  Translation?  My mother was a groupie for one of history's most sexed up rock n' roll bands.  GROSS ME OUT!
One of these clowns could have been my daddy.
It's quite the defining moment in the life of a 25 year old daughter to learn that her mother was in fact (allegedly) a famous whore.  Maybe that's why she was positive that I was boning at the age of TEN (no joke) or why she was perfectly cool with her 16 year old daughter getting on birth control (at the time, for medical reasons and not to control birth ... but it proved to be a really great excuse for many of my friends to give their parents) or why she let me wear bikinis at the tender age of 8 ... or why she wanted to know all the details ("Wink! You know what I mean!") of my brother's recent honeymoon.  Gross.  It's all coming back to me ... and it's all relating to the fact that my mother was a groupie.

Below is a little excerpt from the conversation that I had with my brother, breaking the news as delicately as I could:

Me: did you know that mom used to get with one of the rolling stones?  Her cousin was in the bar on Saturday and told me.  Your mother was a groupie.
Brother: I'm going to run and get all the stuff for my pasta and apple pie ... WTF?!
Brother: that can't be true, right?  I'm not buying this
Me: I'll ask her when she isn't all crazy
Brother: Have you asked her about this since?  I pray this isn't true
Me: lol if it is, it's pretty sick
Brother: I'm actually just reading keith richard's autobiography now.  That would be truly awful if it were true. 
Me: It wasn't him, if it makes you feel better.  Can't remember the name though.
Brother: WTF.  All I want is some normalcy.  FML.

Ok, so in hindsight I probably should have approached it a bit more delicately.  Obviously, my dear brother is a bit upset.  It must be a pretty terrible moment in a young man's life to learn that his mom was doing half the stuff that he was JUST reading about.  However, this is a lesson to all young men:
The ho's that you see in music videos and pornos could very well turn into someones mother.  And that mother ... could be yours.
  Bahaha!  Man, that is freakin profound.  I should make a public service announcement campaign to warn the masses.  Not to say my mother was in music videos and pornos (that I know of!!) but to relate it to modern times and whatnot. 

And the Best Sister of the Year Award goes to ... me.  Award for Best Daughter also goes to ... me.  More details to follow!

Friday, July 8, 2011


Happy Friday!  I am in the personal opinion that all work weeks should consist of 4 days and we should always have off on Mondays.  Who do I contact about that?

Here's what fills my heart up today:
  • I get to play with my favorite niece, Pearl, this weekend because her parents (Mr. and Mrs. Lauren C) are at the beach. That little midget kitty is too cute!
    • Side note: this weekend is gonna be boring without Mr. and Mrs. Lauren C!
  • I read Steve-O's book this week, and it's actually pretty well written.  He's lived a really crazyyy life.  I'd recommend it!! ... uhh the book, not the lifestyle
  • The cutest kitties in the world, of course!
  • It's a work from the couch kinda day, which means having some trash tv on in the background while I get my work done.  Love it!
And now, the song of the week ... I heard this on the radio and it cracked me up (and sadly, I do know a lot of the words).  Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Stuff That I Love

Didn't want ya'll to think that I'm a Negative Nancy, so here's a lot of stuff that I love:
  • Taking a nap with no alarm to wake me up
  • 3-day weekends
  • Getting a package in the mail
  • The calm that comes over me after I lock the door at the bar on Saturday night, knowing I won't have to work there again for 5 blissful days
  • The rare evening at the bar when I'm actually having a hilarious, fun time
  • Spending a lazy day on the couch (with kitty boyboys)
  • Getting into bed after just changing the sheets
  • One of those "gotta have you right now" makeout sessions
  • A completely decadent meal with great company
  • Reading a really good book
  • When I walk past Carlton and he rolls over to show his fat belly and gives a good "meeeyoowwww"
  • Cuddling with Mustacho
  • A really good glass of wine (or a delish cocktail), preferably with some tasty treats to go along with it
  • Researching something completely off the wall and learning all about it (ex: my obsession with the Amish)
  • Drunk shopping at Target or
  • Laughing so hard that it makes my face and belly ache
  • The satisfaction I get after cleaning the apartment
  • Having some unexpected extra $$ in the bank
  • When Pandora plays a bunch of really awesome songs in a row
  • Having something really exciting to look forward to

Items That Annoy Me

  • Clear bra straps.  You may think that I can't see them because they're clear, but heads up (and this may blow you away): I can see them.  And they're trashy.
  • People taking and posting pictures of their car's mileage milestones.  Ex: 11111, 123456, 100000, etc.  Annoying.  And guess what? I don't care.
  • Makeup "artists," hair dressers, etc. who expect to do my makeup/hair but they look a hot mess themselves
  • Drivers who realize that they're in the wrong lane or driving on the wrong side of the road and have the "what of it?!" face.  You made a mistake (a dangerous one at that), and you realized it, so just go ahead and panic, make a scene, and fix it like the rest of us
  • Picking your nose in public with a tissue.  Just because a very thin layer of tissue is between your finger and your snot, doesn't mean I'm not judging you.
  • Comb-overs when you only have 3 pieces of hair (a la Donald Trump).  We all know you are lacking in the hair department.  Get over it and fix yourself.
  • People who walk around holding their little doggies (in arms or purses) ... let the poor little shits walk, please.  A side note about that: women who insist that it's cool to go shopping in malls with one of their little doggies.  We are not in Cali, folks, and we are certainly not trendy enough to do this.  Leave your damn dog home and get out of Nordstrom.
  • You're.  Your.  To.  Two.  Too.  They're.  Their.  There.  Get it right.
  • Customers at my bar who sit down and say they want a beer.  Well, how very convenient, we're in a bar.  We happen to have beer here.  That would be like if I went to a grocery store and told one of the employees "I would like some food"
  • Quoting Charlie Sheen.  Come up with your own lines, folks.  Oh and PS, you're quoting a raging lunatic as if it's something intelligent and meaningful.  So what does that say about you?

Friday, July 1, 2011


Happy 4th of July weekend, ya'll!  Here's what's filling up my heart today:
  • Carlton & Mustacho (when they aren't attempting to wake me up at 6am!)
  • 3-day weekend!
  • My brother, his wife (still getting used to calling her that!), and my parents are coming over on Sunday for crabs and corn.  Can't get more Maryland than that!
  • My new favorite show, Wilfred, was on last night and I am totally in love with it.  Check it out if you haven't already!
  • I hung out with two of my favorite customers from the bar (who quickly turned into two of my favorite people in general) last night and had a blast
And now, for your viewing and listening pleasure ... a true American classic:

Have a wonderful weekend, and let's remember how fantastic the good ol' U. S. of A is!!

Cat Lady