Monday, July 11, 2011

My Mom, the Groupie

Ok, so I haven't exactly verified this information yet, but I must inform my readers about a fun factoid that I learned this weekend.  This information both mystified and cracked me up, as well as mortified and terrified my brother.  A combination I quite enjoy.

My mother's cousin came into the bar on Saturday to introduce himself.  I don't remember meeting this fella, but apparently I knew him when I was a kid.  We were catching up on family and whatnot, when he mentioned quite possibly my favorite thing to ever learn about my mother: she dated and almost married one of the Rolling Stones.  Translation?  My mother was a groupie for one of history's most sexed up rock n' roll bands.  GROSS ME OUT!
One of these clowns could have been my daddy.
It's quite the defining moment in the life of a 25 year old daughter to learn that her mother was in fact (allegedly) a famous whore.  Maybe that's why she was positive that I was boning at the age of TEN (no joke) or why she was perfectly cool with her 16 year old daughter getting on birth control (at the time, for medical reasons and not to control birth ... but it proved to be a really great excuse for many of my friends to give their parents) or why she let me wear bikinis at the tender age of 8 ... or why she wanted to know all the details ("Wink! You know what I mean!") of my brother's recent honeymoon.  Gross.  It's all coming back to me ... and it's all relating to the fact that my mother was a groupie.

Below is a little excerpt from the conversation that I had with my brother, breaking the news as delicately as I could:

Me: did you know that mom used to get with one of the rolling stones?  Her cousin was in the bar on Saturday and told me.  Your mother was a groupie.
Brother: I'm going to run and get all the stuff for my pasta and apple pie ... WTF?!
Brother: that can't be true, right?  I'm not buying this
Me: I'll ask her when she isn't all crazy
Brother: Have you asked her about this since?  I pray this isn't true
Me: lol if it is, it's pretty sick
Brother: I'm actually just reading keith richard's autobiography now.  That would be truly awful if it were true. 
Me: It wasn't him, if it makes you feel better.  Can't remember the name though.
Brother: WTF.  All I want is some normalcy.  FML.

Ok, so in hindsight I probably should have approached it a bit more delicately.  Obviously, my dear brother is a bit upset.  It must be a pretty terrible moment in a young man's life to learn that his mom was doing half the stuff that he was JUST reading about.  However, this is a lesson to all young men:
The ho's that you see in music videos and pornos could very well turn into someones mother.  And that mother ... could be yours.
  Bahaha!  Man, that is freakin profound.  I should make a public service announcement campaign to warn the masses.  Not to say my mother was in music videos and pornos (that I know of!!) but to relate it to modern times and whatnot. 

And the Best Sister of the Year Award goes to ... me.  Award for Best Daughter also goes to ... me.  More details to follow!

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