Friday, April 15, 2011

Subject: I Love Fatties

Is there any greater feeling than waking up the next day after a hangover?  I honestly think not.  It's like there's a whole new world out there to be sober in.  What a rush!

I unfortunately was a little tipsy on Wednesday evening with about 20 of my coworkers.  We went to a basketball game (and at one point I literally shouted "seriously, folks!  Is there a basketball game going on, or is everyone just here to be entertained by my greatness?!"  WHAAAAT?!  Let's first remind readers that I work from home, and just go up to the corporate office once or twice a month.  Several coworkers have no clue who I am, even though there are only like 50-75 of us in CHG and I have been working there for 3+ years.  What would you do if some drunk freak you didn't know was shouting about her greatness?!

Yesterday morning, I received the following email from a coworker:
Subject: I Love Fatties
Hey Lauren!
I hope you had a good time yesterday.  It was fun hanging out and letting loose a little.  Have a safe trip back home and thanks for letting me have a little bit more than two drinks last night.  I thought you were gonna shut me off after my first one. 
I'll be looking forward to the next time your in town.

We'll get to the subject line in a moment, but I would first like to discuss how I apparently was attempting to cut people off (as I'm practically chugging 2 bottles of wine).  Makes sense, right?  I vaguely remember targeting the fella who sent the above email and picking on him all night, but I don't exactly remember "shutting him off."  Sorry, B.

Ok, so umm, what does I Love Fatties mean?  That definitely sounds like something I'd say, but why would I utter a phrase like this in an office party setting?  This thought plagued me until about 5 hours later when my boss ran up to me shouting "I LOVE FATTIES!"  Wow, apparently a lot of people heard me shout this.  That's embarrassing.  I just giggled, shrugged my shoulders, and said "I do what I do" ... umm what?!  I DO WHAT I DO?!  Great comeback to YOUR BOSS.  Note, I was exceptionally hungover and couldn't deal with the pressures of explaining myself.  Apparently during the half-time show (the only part of the game I watched), there was a fat kid dancing and I started screaming about how great he was.  Sorry, coworkers, I made a scene and I hope you enjoyed it.

As I battled the feelings of nausea and bad decisions that kept coming up all day (during lots of meetings, calls, and gossip sessions), I considered what my life has come to until this moment.  Throw out the need to be a responsible designated driver, give me some free wine, and I turn into a hot mess.  A funny one, but a hot mess nonetheless.  Oh well.

I boarded my plane back home last night, worried that motion sickness would get the best of me.  I was in a bit of a daze during the flight, but was fortunate enough to have brought a lovely book about drinking and inappropriate decisions/actions (Assholes Finish First, the sequel to I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell ... not nearly as good as the aforementioned, but still entertaining). 

As we were pulling into the terminal to get my hungover ass home, I note that a weird woman was performing an act that literally made my face conform into about 5 different faces in a 3 second timeframe. I went from confused to disturbed to disgusted to mortified to embarrassed that my face was doing all of this in public.  What was the lady doing, you may ask?  Let me first explain that I was walking onto the plane behind her and that I noticed something that I never want to see on anyone.  Note to everyone: your pants are too tight if I can see the crotch seams of your panties through said pants.  Ok, so on the plane, I noticed that she was pulling a lengthy neck giblet hair and trying to pluck said hair with her fingers.  Perhaps I wouldn't have been so obviously mortified if I weren't so hungover and already disgusted with life.  However, I was, and she was plucking this hair ... not even from her chinny chin chin.  FROM HER NECK GIBLET!!  Gross.

I often like to make notes to self regarding all kinds of things.  I have sticky notes and notepads all over my home office, but if I'm away from my desk I normally email or text myself these notes for later.  I was so flipped out about this lady that I texted myself the following note: "plucking neck giblet hair with fingers"  Others may note items such as where their car is parked or a grocery list.  I text myself about neck giblet hair.  What of it? 

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