Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sex Ed

"I love sexual health!!!!" is a phrase that has slipped through my mouth on more than one occasion.

And yes, I really, truly do love sexual health.  A healthy no-no zone is a happy no-no zone, I always say.  Ok, I have never said that.  But I'm going to start, damnit!

Bitch slap to every last one of ya
Shows like 16 and Preggo and Grey's Anatomy, my former nursing textbooks, and listening to my old roommate talk about her tales working at Planned Parenthood have taught me that sexual health is indeed a topic that dumbasses don't understand.  It's my life mission to travel the country and personally slap all of the 16 and Preggo girls in the mouth.  It's 2011, people!  Sexual health awareness is all around! 

Being that I genuinely care about a lot of my customers at the bar, I always try to remind them to wrap it up after a night of drinking and seducing.  I am tempted to purchase a big ol Sam's Club quantity of condoms and start handing them out with people's checks at the end of the night.  Hilarious for me, and aiding in sexual health for them ... win-win, I'd say.

There are several "talks" that I'd like to have with my customers at the WW in order to a) spare the world another generation of WW customers, and b) spare The Valley (where the WW is located) of any possible STI outbreaks.

So, in honor of both the whores on 16 and Preggo and the horndogs that I love at the bar, I would like to introduce a Sex Ed series to discuss some sexual health topics (and stories that correspond).

I wonder how many babies were conceived on the property of my bar ... the world may never know.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

One Last Food Forever

What would you eat if you could only have one food for all of eternity?

This thought has plagued my little noggin for quite some time.  A friend of mine, Hillwee, has made her decision long ago.  She claims that if someone told her today that she can only eat one food for the rest of her life, she'd choose sandwiches, and be ecstatic.

However, she is twisting the rules, because she can list off a lot of different types of sandwiches (including pizza sandwich, ice cream sandwich, etc) that aren't exactly sandwiches.  If she really wanted to follow the rules, she'd have to stick with one type of sandwich.  In my case, that would be a tuna sandwich on toasted rye with Old Bay, a little sugar, low-fat mayo, and chopped celery mixed in.

So, maybe we need to make it one category of foods forever and always.  I am between ice cream and cereal.  Both food items I adore more than I can say.  I eat cereal every morning for breakfast (my current favorites are Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese's Puffs, but when I'm feeling healthy I also love Special K); I try not to eat ice cream every night (try ... and fail).  But again, that's twisting the "one food forever" rule, so I'd have to consider one sole food that I really and truly love.

I'd say of the 5 basic tastes (salty, sweet, bitter, sour, and savory), sweet is the most important to me.  Next in line is savory, followed by salty.  I'm not a fan of bitter or sour.  Ok, so my ideal one food forever and always would have to be sweet, and has the option of being savory and salty as well.

Mashed potatoes, another favorite meal, can be savory and salty.  But where's the sweet?!  I need sweet in my life or I go NUTSO! 

When it all boils down, though, I'll have to go with cereal as my one last category of food, as there are so many types out there ... I'd say there's a cereal to meet every taste need (or at least the important ones to me).


Now, to the untrained taste buds, one may not consider Reese's Puffs cereal to be savory, but that is complete bullshit.  I savor every last morsel of this breakfast delight.

Frosted Flakes ... indeed, they are grrrreat!  And so sweet that you'll have to put your dentist on speed dial.  But that's beside the point.

Depending upon the type, granola can be a little salty, a little sweet, a lotta delish.

In conclusion, I wouldn't enjoy it if someone told me that I could only have one single food for the rest of my life, and honestly, I wouldn't even enjoy it if they said I could only have one category.  We have 5 main tastes for a reason, people, and it is my goal to obtain perfection in each category, and eat the crap out of the food that is perfect for each.  And that, ladies in gents, is exactly why I do not have a pool membership this summer.  My fat gut and I thank you for your time.

Cat Lady

Monday, June 27, 2011


At the moment, I am none too pleased with the lamer of the two sexes, so I've decided to create a little list o requirements for my next victim:

  • Smokers need not apply
  • Must be over 6 feet tall ... taller preferred.  Other measurements are also required, but I'll refrain from putting that in here.
  • No gingers allowed ... unless he looks like this:
  • Must be down to talk about bodily functions (frequently, freely, and in full detail)
  • Must have all of the following: all of his teeth (or at least the ones that I can notice), a job, a car, a home/apartment/condo (roommates are allowed, but parents do not count), a high school and college degree, and a bank account (with a positive balance)
  • Must be able to be nice to my kittyboys, but as readers may remember ... I require that he must love cats (less than me)
  • Social drinkers only (and that is by my standards, not the typical college fraternity boy ... ie: casual drinking with dinner and occasionally on the weekends)
  • For my friends Mr. and Mrs. Lauren C: my future victim cannot own a turtleneck (and/or wear it at parties ...)
  • Hairy chest mmmm (I'm serious)
There are plenty of other requirements out there, but these are the basics.  Any other suggestions?  Know anyone who fulfills these requirements?  Send me his digits!

Friday, June 24, 2011


Happy Friday, ya'll!  Here's what fills my heart up today:
  • Had a lot of fun last night partying with some friends (the same boys mentioned in my Memories post) ... the hangover today does NOT fill my heart up, but I'll ignore that for the moment.  Additionally, the "Friday" song one of them sang to me at 4:30am today did not fill my heart up either.
  • Due to my hangover I canceled a meeting for this afternoon so I can take a nap.  Naps are awesome.
  • My adorable kitten boys, of course
  • I finally got the courage to send an email to my very favorite blogger, Life in the slowest lane, basically telling her how obsessed I am and how awesome she is.  If you haven't stalked her yet, get on it because she is too too funny.  Her reply to my email was really sweet and, of course, hilarious.  Side note: we are blog soulmates, I do believe, as she has a cat (named Louise ... which happens to be my middle name), and she hates Robin Williams.  Fate!  Ok, I'm sorry for making myself look like even more of a stalker than normal.
Have a wonderful weekend, friends! 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Noodle Pool

Many people have fantasies ... and no, I'm not talking about the dirty kind (although, many people have those kind of fantasies as well).  Mine is a very specific, very detailed dream.  It all started when I viewed a film with one of my most hated actors imaginable. 

Patch Adams, a wonderful person, a lovely film, a terrible actor to portray him.  And, as you'll see in the clip here, a fantastically amazing fantasy.  To swim in a pool of noodles!

However, my pasta fantasy goes a bit further than that little cutie just wanting to swim in a large kiddy pool full of half noodles, half goo.  My fantasy is very specific ... but I figure, if I'm gonna have a fantasy, it's gonna be damn detailed and damn good.

Ok, so picture this:
Me.  In a bathingsuit bottom, no top (I want to feel the noodles, but not in my vajay).  I will have some type of contraption protecting my hair, but not causing a headache as a swimming cap would.  Goggles.  That won't hurt my head.  But I'd like to see under pasta.  A huge, olympic sized pool.  Heated.  With no one else.  Unless, that is, I decide that I get bored and want some company.  Then, I will have several friends waiting for my signal, and they will join me. 

The type and flavor of noodle is very important as well.  I want these noodles to be warm (but not hot), so that I may both swim in them, and eat as I please.  I also would like the noodles to be angelhair.  Spaghetti noodles just won't do.

The type of sauce is very important, as I don't want too many chunks to swim in, but I want it to be tasty and smooth.  I would like Barilla tomato and basil as my flavor of choice.  I also would like several "floaties" of bread (both the delicious bread from Carrabbas and Texas Toast brand garlic bread) so that I may play on said items and consume them.

Rules in my noodle pool include:

a) No peeing. This is way too obvious to explain.  However, some people are pool peers (and I'll admit, I have peed in the ocean when I was really cold.  There are freaking dead people in the ocean, my pee means nothing in comparison) and I just won't let them pee in my noodles.  And, of course, I'll be eating said noodles at a moment's notice, so I would prefer their to be no pee in my food.
b) Noodle pool temperature is determined based upon the fantisizor.  If you don't like it, you can leave.
c) My noodle pool, my rules.  New rules may come up at any moment.  And if you're hanging out in my noodle pool, you're gonna listen up, buckos!

After giving my dear friend Mizz J a sneak peak of this blog post, she asked me about the possibility of someone drowning in my noodle pool.  I told her it wouldn't happen, but if it does, I want it on my tombstone.  I seriously and genuinely do if that's how I happen to die.  Make a note of it.

Friday, June 17, 2011


Here's what I'm love love loving:
  • Sunday is Father's Day (and Cat Lady's berfday), so I'm spending some time with my daddy and going to dinner with the parents at THE BEST RESTAURANT EVERRRR
  • The kitty boys ... duh
  • I got my bonus from work this week, which means I can do a little birthday shopping!
  • I'm an idiot and lost my keys in the rental car last weekend ... but I heard from the company and they think they found them.  Yay!
And now, in honor of my daddy ... my favorite daddy/daughter song:

Have a wonderful weekend, kittens!

Shout out to all the dads for Father's Day, especially to my daddy ... the world's best daddy ever!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Appreciate and Apologize

... or is it Apreciate and Appologize?

Two words that I estimate I use (in text or verbally) at least 5 times a day.  However, thanks to my friend spellcheck, I spell both of these words wrong all. the. time.

As a project manager, my job is to oversee projects and basically make sure shit is getting done by the right people at the right time.  I like to say it's a career focusing on telling people what to do.  And, for the most part, it's great.  However, along with the perks of submitting to my control freak ways, comes the responsibility of smoothing egos and praising small wins.

There are several ways that I use my two favorite words.  Let's start with appreciate:
Option One (sarcastic)
Dear Client,
I appreciate your effort, however ...

Option Two (sincere):
Dear Client,
I appreciate your effort!

Moving on to another favorite word, apologize:
Option One (sarcastic)
Dear Client,
I apologize that there was a miscommunication, however ...

Option Two (sincere):
Dear Client,
Please allow me to sincerely apologize for ...

I try to remain perky with my clients, which is primarily the reason why I'm pretty bitchy between the hours of 6 and 8pm on Friday evenings at the bar (or, as my customers may tell you, between the hours of 6pm and 2am every Friday and Saturday). 

I always address my clients over the phone as Sir or Ma'am, and always end every email with "thanks so much!" ... so please forgive me if my language can be read as a bit sarcastic.  On paper, I'm doing everything as I should ... if clients happen to read into it and really catch my drift, that's their fault.

I appreciate your willingness to read today's post, and apologize if you were bored. 

Now, was that sarcastic or sincere?

Carlton and Mustacho Are Loved (A Lot)

I feel like I haven't blogged about the famous Carlton and Mustacho in a bit, so this post is going to be their claim to fame.

As previously mentioned, I was gone all last weekend (I left Friday morning and returned Sunday evening) for the wedding, which thusly left kitty boys all alone.  Unfortunately, the bride and groom refuse to acknowledge their nephews and didn't want them to be flower kitty boys or ring pawers. 

Normally when I travel, I have my mom take care of the boys, but obviously I couldn't do that for her son's wedding weekend.  My buddy Mrs. Lauren C's mom to the rescue!  Grandmommy H came over on Thursday to learn the inner workings of feeding my cats.  She was a bit overwhelmed by the process (I had a 3 page document outlining how to care for them), but she took her job as catsitter very seriously.

I was a lot less worried with having Grandmommy H take care of the boys, because she seemed to understand the need to follow directions and wasn't like my mother, who likes to modify as she sees fit.  I know this makes me sound extra crazy, but the boys have a serious routine going on, and they don't like it to change.  Andddd, they've been doing the same thing for 2+ years now, so why change it?  But I digress.

After I finally got home from the wedding weekend, I was greeted with this amazing letter from the boy's new grandmommy (well, actually, it was from the boys ... written by their new grandmommy):

How adorable is that?!?!  I know that this letter is just encouraging my Cat Lady persona, but anyone who loves my boyboys is a-ok in my book.  Shout out to Grandmommy H!

The prrrrfect present
I told my mom (the boy's original Grandmommy) about what a great job Grandmommy H did and how much she loved them. Jealousy quickly reared its ugly head, and my mother went into a tangent about how she was the boy's only grandma-ma (that's seriously what she wants her grandchildren, human or beast, to call her) and that no one loves them more than their original grandmother.  I decided that I'll be purchasing this for both Grandmommy H and Grandma-ma for Grandparent's Day (September 11th, mark your calendars).

Sooo there you have it, ladies and gents.  We now know where I get my Cat Lady tendencies.  And you now know that I am surrounded by crazy.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Mr. and Mrs. Big Brother

The new Mr. and Mrs.
Well, folks, I am happy to announce that I have a shiny brand new sister (-in-law) and lots of new sisters and brothers (-in-laws).  The wedding was lovely, and I honestly can say that I have never seen my brother quite so happy.  And that includes when he got his Nintendo when we were 5 and 7.  And when the Ravens won the Superbowl.  And when he found out that I am single and his baby sister is no longer dating a foreigner who is 10 years older. So that's saying something.

It was a long weekend, but totally worth the trip with two parents over the age of 55 who had no clue how to travel, standing in heels for 10+ hours, and standing, walking, crying, and talking in front of the Greek masses on several occasions. 

Let's first tackle the issue of my parents traveling ... what a mess.  I had been warning them about security, anti-smoking laws in airports, my inability to put up with massive amounts of their bullshit for several weeks prior to the big trip.  I explained how to pack and the limitations I was putting on their baggage (I literally had to explain to my mom 3 or 4 times why she couldn't pack a bottle of gin, a bottle of wine, and a corkscrew in her carry-on); I explained the security procedures and the lay of the land; I mapped out our routes and explained time and time again about why we were leaving for the airport 2 hours before our flight.

Our clueless traveler
Unfortunately, despite all of the measures that I took to make this a pain-free trip, I was still plagued by the drama that is my parents.  My mother insisted that she didn't need to take off her jewelery before going through security (which of course made the alarms go off and took 5 minutes for her to remove all of her tacky gold bracelets); she then insisted that she wouldn't get arrested if she smoked in the airport, on the plane, or in any area marked "NO SMOKING;" she also insisted that she didn't need a seat belt, that her cellphone could stay on (and that she could make calls) during the flight, and that her purse could remain on her lap during takeoff and landing.  As you may imagine, I was annoyed, the male flight attendant wanted to beat her over the head with his drink tray, and the poor fella sitting next to her treated the situation like a car crash: didn't want to look, but couldn't turn away.

My new sister-in-law's family couldn't have been more wonderful, friendly, and loving.  I am so happy to have family up in Boston, for many reasons: a) I always have someone to stay with (and really, many someones) if I ever want to hang out in Boston when I'm not on business, b) I have a good 10 or so women looking to hook me up with a Greek man (including her Yaya--or grandmother--who is now on the prowl), and c) I really didn't know that I wanted a bigger family until these folks came into our lives; I was always really happy just being me and my big brudder, but they're pretty lovely, so I'll consider it.

Token wedding creeper

Other highlights from the weekend:
  •  I told all of the bridesmaids that our dear family friend was looking to sleep with one of them ... until I realized that the only single bridesmaid was my sister-in-law's little sister ... who is 14.  All of the 'maids thought this was hilarious, of course and we stalked him out for a pic.  Check out how creepy he is:
    The sexiest Jamaican alive
    Spotting all of my brother's best friends at one table, which I like to call the Nerd Squad ... everyone either a) was overweight, b) had glasses, or c) had both endearing qualities.  I, of course, got to dance with all of the (single) Nerd Squad members, and loved every moment of it.  This fella was one that we were all fighting over if he was chosen to be a groomsman (he wasn't, so the other maids didn't get a beatdown)
  • The best man (from Bmore) included something in his speech about converting the bride to a Raven's fan ... in Boston.  Before anyone comprehended what he said, I hooped and hollered ... and then the entire room booed.  Classic!
  • The. Whitest. Dancing. Ever.  Led, of course, by my brother and me.  It was pretty embarrassing now that I think about what a terrible job we were doing in representing our race, but what am I to do when Journey and The Killers come on?  Rock the eff out, of course.  Lots of the dice dance, fist pumping, and general white people dancing.

My handsome big brother

Anyways, it was a lovely weekend and I am so very happy for my big brother.  Please refrain from blessing me with nieces and nephews for quite awhile!

Love, love, love!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

(the day before) Friday

So I know that it isn't Friday, but I would like to express what fills my heart up on this lovely Thursday, as I won't be able to post tomorrow.
  • I finally got to see my amazing friend/sorority sister, Jessie Green (over at And I Can't Help But Wonder ...) and her fiancee last night.  It was so great to see them and to finally catch up.  Can't wait to do it again soon, friend!
  • My baby (big) brudder gets married in 2 days!  So crazy!  I feel like it was only yesterday that we were being stupid little kids running around, and now he's getting MARRIED.  Boggles my mind a little bit
  • Getting a bunch of work done that I've been wanting to accomplish for awhile and nerdy Cat Lady is super excited about it
  • Taking off on Friday and Monday ... which means that I don't have to deal with the above mentioned work for 4 days!
  • Getting my nails and eyebrows done, and going tanning today to finish up the beauty routine for the wedding.  If I didn't have a million things to get done before heading out tomorrow, I'd be going out to show my fine self off
Happy almost Friday, ya'll!  I'll be sure to post pics of the wedding next week. 
Love, love, love! 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Review: Devil's Playground

What a freakin disappointment.  Not only did the movie pretty much suck, but I already knew all the content in it before I got through the first 10 minutes.

First of all, let me premise by saying that this night had potential for being one of my BDsOL (Best Days of Life), as I had many factors on my side: Chinese food, wine, a movie about the Amish, and watching it with my bestest pal.  I had an amazing time, but the movie was pretty terrible. TV Guide rated it 2 stars ... I give it 1.5.

So basically, the movie had potential.  I wanted to love it.  However, the footage was really jumpy, from one topic to the next.  And the kids that they showed were just weird.  One fella is a methy who is selling meth; another chick is just super depressed.  I wanted to see more Amish girls wasted in their little dresses and bonnets.  I did, however, see a LOT of Amish kids on rollerblades.  Which I liked a LOT.

Conclusion?  If the documentary were longer and could really dig further into the stories of the kids and interview them more, then it would have potential to be a lot better.  Give me more Amish rollerskaters, and my rating would soar.  Secondary conclusion: I will always love the Amish.  And I will be purchasing the book about this to see if it's better written.  NatGeo, I want more Amish documentaries!!!  Or, MTV can have a True Life: I'm Amish.  Swooon!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I am terrible!  Just awful!  And a horrible, horrible person.  I put amazing Mexican food and time with friends above something that I have been anticipating for far too long to admit without a lot of shame ... I didn't watch Devil's Playground last night.  Ugh!  Don't try to make me feel any more guilty than I already am ...

Thankfully, I have a terrific set of friends (Mr. and Mrs. Lauren C) who recorded it for me, and we have a date tonight to watch.  Look out for my review of the movie when I finalllly watch it.

In other news, I got a new ringtone for my cell.  Please call me, cuz I realllly love hearing trrrrrricky!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Grab the Popcorn, Folks!

Tonight is the night!!

Clear your schedules for this evening at 8pm to watch the show that I have been anticipating for weeks ... Devil's Playground on NatGeo (National Geographic, for the non-nerds who aren't aware), otherwise known as the movie about the Amish kids going wild.  Can't wait!!  Stay tuned for my review tomorrow.

Friday, June 3, 2011


Let's talk about what I'm lovin today:

  • I was on a biz trip for 2 days and coming home to Moosey and Carl was pretty amazing
  • It's beautifullll out today!  And not nearly so hot!
  • The National Spelling Bee was on last night ... my favorite two, Dhivya and Pranav, didn't win, but they did a kickass job
  • I had sushi last night (sorry Mrs. Lauren C!!) and it was delish
  • It's almost the weekend!!  No specific plans, just hoping to rest and make lots of moolah at the bizzar
And now for your listening/viewing pleasure, one of my favorite songs (and videos) of all time ever. I was (and kinda still am) desperate to learn how to play this on piano, woulda been pretty rad.  Anyways, just one song today cuz you should seriously actually listen to it.  Amazing!!